


nothing I do is good enough for you (still be waiting for somebody else to understand)

by OsleyaKomWonkru



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Episode: s07e14 A Sort of Homecoming, Extended Scene, Fix-It, Fix-It of Sorts, Gen, Mothers and Daughters, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Second Dawn Bunker, Wonkru
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-23
Updated: 2020-09-23
Packaged: 2021-03-08 02:48:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,027
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26618446
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/OsleyaKomWonkru/pseuds/OsleyaKomWonkru
Summary: Extended Octavia and Indra scene of 7x14 that pays the proper respect to Octavia and Diyoza's relationship, as well as what could have inspired Indra's long overdue apology.“You weren’t my only teacher.”“No. Just the best.”Octavia suppressed the urge to scoff, and turned away, looking back to the fire. “Is that what you think, seda?”“Am I wrong?”All Octavia could see in her mind was Diyoza, her last moments, her body crystallizing as Octavia dragged Hope out of the room, her wish for her daughter to be better than she’d been. And with that wish, the memories of the ten years they’d lived together, ten years through which Diyoza had been everything to her - sister, mentor, therapist, best friend above all. Ten years where Diyoza had helped her get better andbebetter.Ten years with someone whounderstood.Indra had never understood.“Very wrong.”
Relationships: Gaia & Indra (The 100), Octavia Blake & Charmaine Diyoza, Octavia Blake & Indra
Comments: 1
Kudos: 29





	nothing I do is good enough for you (still be waiting for somebody else to understand)

**Author's Note:**

> Need to get this out before the new ep! Only two more episodes left. Then... it's fanfic for days. Don't worry, I'll have plenty more to write!
> 
> I'm working on several prompts for the [t100 for Black Lives Matter Initiative](https://t100fic-for-blm.tumblr.com), as well as on the final episodes of my season 7, so there's lots of fic to come from me for the next few months, so even though the show will be over, the fic will go on.

After Clarke revealed her earth-shattering news, the others had returned to the bunker, but Octavia couldn’t do it. She couldn’t go back there. Not again.

Walking through the bridge from Bardo and ending up back in that pit - _of all places in the universe that Cadogan could have sent them_ \- once had been bad enough. Echo and Niylah had needed to carry her near-catatonic body out of there, while Hope and Jordan had looked at her in confusion, until Miller took them aside and with a few whispered words told them where they were.

Octavia had only caught a glimpse of Hope’s face as she was taken out of there, as Miller spoke to them, and just the _thought_ of Hope knowing her history made her heart shatter. She’d be Blodreina to her too, now, not the Aunty O she’d grown up with. Then the thought of facing Hope’s judgment made her heart shatter all over again.

So as night fell, even as it grew cold, Octavia stayed where she was, watching her fire burn, feeling the weight of the memories of this place pressing down on her, even though the darkness and death of the bunker was beneath her feet, and lush greenery and skies surrounded her.

Earth was back. Monty was wrong.

At least she could take solace in that.

The memories of a green Earth stirred long-forgotten memories in her, and she took a deep breath, speaking words she hadn’t spoken in a long time. She whispered them at first, the words feeling clumsy and unfamiliar, it had been years since she’d spoken much Trig, and she tried to bring its familiarity back into her voice.

To remember all those she’d lost along the way.

Lincoln. Ilian. Roan. Luna. Jaha. Cooper. Ethan. Diyoza.

And now Bellamy.

(Though when did she lose him, precisely? Had she lost him when Clarke killed him? Or was it three days earlier, when he betrayed the information that she’d fought for months to keep secret, even as Bardo invaded her mind day after day? Or was it three months earlier, when he’d been blown through that portal? Or was it ten years earlier, when he’d abandoned her in the forests of Sanctum? Or 125 years before that, when he’d returned to Earth and upended her society?)

She put her complicated thoughts out of her mind to try and focus only on the words.

“Hofli graun en folau na gon won. Medo en keryon, kriken sonraun en branon. Kom graun oso na groun op, kom folau oso na gyon op.” _(“May the Earth and ash become one. Body and spirit, old life and new. From the Earth, we will grow, from the ashes, we will rise.”)_

A crack of branches behind her told her she wasn’t alone, but she didn’t turn to face whoever it was. She wanted to be alone with her grief.

“Did Lincoln teach you that?”

_Indra._

Now Octavia did turn to face her. It had been years since she’d seen her. Jackson had mentioned she’d come with them from Sanctum, but she and Gaia had remained below ground while Clarke had given them the news of Bellamy’s death.

Octavia didn’t know what, if anything, Indra knew about what she’d been up to since the last time they’d seen each other during the evacuation from the valley. Did she know anything at all? Had anyone told her? Was there anyone who would know anything _to_ tell her?

“You weren’t my only teacher.”

“No. Just the best.”

Octavia suppressed the urge to scoff, and turned away, looking back to the fire. “Is that what you think, _seda?”_

“Am I wrong?”

All Octavia could see in her mind was Diyoza, her last moments, her body crystallizing as Octavia dragged Hope out of the room, her wish for her daughter to be better than she’d been. And with that wish, the memories of the ten years they’d lived together, ten years through which Diyoza had been everything to her - sister, mentor, therapist, best friend above all. Ten years where Diyoza had helped her get better and _be_ better.

Ten years with someone who _understood._ Indra had never understood.

“Very wrong.”

Indra sighed and sat down next to her, throwing a leather coat over Octavia’s shoulders. “They tell me that while I last saw you days ago, for you it has been ten years on another planet.”

“That’s right. Ten years where I had peace and love and joy in my life. Not a world that you could ever teach me. You only taught me war, and then betrayed me when that was my answer to a problem. Diyoza embraced the broken girl you left behind. _She_ gave me the strength to be more than I ever thought I could be.”

“Colonel Diyoza, the woman who led an army against us?”

“Yes.”

“Interesting choice of companions.”

“She understood me. She gave me hope and saved my life when everyone else just wanted me to crawl off and die alone somewhere. She was my best friend. My family.”

“Was?”

“Yeah. She’s dead too.” Octavia tore another twig in two and threw it into the fire. “Maybe if she was here, I - I don’t know. Maybe then I could handle being back here.”

“If what the others tell me about that woman I don’t know is true, you do still have a piece of her here.”

Octavia looked up to the sky, trying to blink her tears away. “Hope. Just the thought of her knowing my past, of her _seeing_ it in all its bloody glory… it might just kill me like nothing else has.”

“You still have not made peace with what happened here.”

“I thought I had. It was easier, not being here. But now… I don’t know. How am I supposed to help Hope embrace what her mother’s last wishes for her were when I see nothing but ghosts? When I’ve put time between myself and what happened here, but I haven’t been able to have any sort of closure?”

“Maybe being back here is the opportunity to have that closure.”

Octavia shook her head. “I wish that were true. I’m told that two of my chances to get that closure died in Sanctum.”

Indra was silent for a moment as she considered Octavia’s words, what they could mean. “You mean Abby and Kane.”

“Yeah. Last I saw them, they - they still denied what they did. They took that to the grave. A wound can’t heal if they’ve left the knife in it.”

“It was unfair of them. It was unfair of me.”

Now it was Octavia’s turn to be silent, as Indra’s words hung in the air between them. Was Indra saying what Octavia thought she was saying? Could she dare hope it?

“I am sorry, Octavia.” Indra continued. “I am sorry that I forced you to lead when you were not ready for it, and I am sorry that I did not try to help you when it was pushing you to your limits and beyond.” Indra paused, but Octavia could tell that she wasn’t done yet, so she didn’t interrupt. “After the battle against the Primes was over and the Flame lost, I stepped up to lead Wonkru. It did not go well, and that was in a world without the worries or cares or threats that we faced here. If I had done my duty to you, we would have never had to leave this world to go on a journey across the stars, only to end up back where we started. I should not have betrayed you like I did. It almost cost us all our lives, and I am sorry it has ended up costing your brother’s.”

“You weren’t the one who killed Bellamy.”

“No, that was Clarke. Whom I am told you hugged and said you understood.”

“I do.”

“You forgive your brother’s murderer, but still you do not forgive yourself.”

“She killed him to protect Madi. I understand that, I would do the same to protect Hope. But here… I did what I did for what? To have half of my people slaughtered in a battle we should have won? To have them sent across the universe to a new planet where they’re now trapped with internal strife, eclipse-induced psychosis, man-eating plants and bugs?”

“It gets worse. The Flame was destroyed, but Sheidheda escaped into a mind drive. He took over Russell Prime’s body and while I tried to lead Wonkru, most of them swore fealty to him while he slaughtered all of those who opposed him. Half of the Sanctumites. All bar one of the Children of Gabriel.”

“See? How can I forgive myself if that’s the result?”

“People make their own choices. You cannot hold yourself responsible for them.”

“How can you _say_ that when you spent six years making me responsible for all of the choices of Wonkru? Then made me believe I broke them?”

“I should not have done that. I know that now. It was unfair to place all of the blame of what happened in the bunker on you. We did what we had to do to survive, and we are all equally guilty. We were all Blodreina.”

Octavia pressed her lips together, willing herself not to cry. She didn’t know what to do with what Indra was telling her. All she had was more questions.

“Why now?” Octavia asked, her voice full of more pain than she’d intended. “Why are you saying that now? Why not days, months, years ago? When it could have made a difference? Why not before I spent _ten years_ trying to heal my pain after losing everything and everyone I cared about?”

“I could not kill Sheidheda. I thought that by sparing his life… I do not know what I thought. It should have been an easy kill to take the life of a creature long dead who had taken over the body of someone who had already stolen the body of someone else, and yet I did not do it. Now dozens have been slaughtered because of it. I suppose what I am saying is that decisions can make sense in one moment and not in the next. That it is only after many moments have passed that you see the errors that you were making all along.”

“So what errors did you make in the bunker?”

“These mistakes predate the bunker. They even predate the day I met you, all wild fury with your unpracticed blade at Nyko’s throat. They date back to when I gave birth to Gaia. How the way I raised her was not for her benefit but for mine. I was a selfish mother, expecting her to follow in my footsteps, but she chose a different path and I could not forgive her for that. Just as I could not forgive you as my second for having the strength and conviction as a leader that I lacked. It is I who should be asking both of you for forgiveness, for not being the mother I should have been. A mother who guides and supports her daughters rather than expecting them to be who I am.” Octavia started as Indra rested a hand on her shoulder. “I am sorry, Octavia. I will do better by both of you. Starting with helping you face what demons still linger in the bunker. Come with me and we will do this together.”

Indra got to her feet and held out her arm. Octavia contemplated it for a moment, thinking of all of the pain and nightmares that lingered belowground, how these nightmares - with Indra in them - had plagued her many a night on Skyring. How they’d grown fewer over the years, as she’d begun to put it all behind her.

Indra was offering her an olive branch. As she’d done the same to many others in the past days and months. Perhaps now it was time to accept one too.

Octavia took Indra’s arm and pulled herself to her feet. “Thank you.”

_“Kom graun, oso na groun op.”_ Indra said.

_“Kom folau, oso na gyon op.”_ Octavia finished.

**Author's Note:**

> Title is from "Crucify" and "Silent All These Years" by Tori Amos.


End file.
